It can be really difficult to understand why certain things have happened in our lives and why other things that you thought would happen and have invested time and effort into, end up never coming through, or falling apart. It can feel like God is cold, stern and uncaring or just aloof. It can feel like there isn’t a God at all, or that you’re not good enough and so He turned His back on you or something. I know, because I struggle with this a lot. But I am going through a season now where I am tired of being so closed off to Gods love. If God really is love, then I not only want to feel His love, but I have to feel it to live. I need my Fathers love to survive. I’m just not going to make it through if I don’t get that love from Him that I am so longing for deep down inside. As Kim Walker says “I cannot afford to carry anything in my heart that would stand in between me and His presence”. So many painful and confusing things, things that just don’t make sense, have happened to me in my lifetime. And I have spent more than a decade trying to make sense of it all and I’m just so exhausted. I need a rest and I need some love. Do any of you feel that way? Do you need a rest? Do you need some love?
I stumbled upon this amazing speech given by worship leader, Kim Walker. I transcribed the part of her speech that touched me the most and also posted the video below so that you can see for yourself. The entire sermon is really moving and I would suggest that if this post is relevant to you, that you watch the video. The segment that I transcribed starts around 18 minutes in, but the whole thing is really good. Enjoy!
“I had some different challenges that I walked through in my childhood. When I formed my relationship with God and found out how big and how powerful He is, I suddenly could not fully understand why did all the bad things happen? God, in all His power, He’s so big, He’s so strong. He could have done something to stop it right? And going and saying ‘but God, why did all the bad things happen?’ I’ve gone and talked to lots of people over the years when I start talking about this. People who have gone through trauma or loss and different things and they have that same question burning inside of them, the ‘why?’. And to be quite honest, I didn’t really hear it talked about a lot in church, or anywhere because I don’t know if people just didn’t have a great answer. But I realized at some point that this is what was happening; I could only get so close to God. I was so hungry for Him, but because my heart, I was living with this offense in my heart. This offense that He didn’t look how I wanted Him to look and He didn’t show up how I wanted Him to show up. He didn’t even show up when I wanted Him to show up. And I just couldn’t understand, I still had that question burning ‘why did all the bad things happen?’
Suddenly, when this revelation hit me, I realized that this thing, this offense was standing between me and Him and was preventing me from getting closer to Him. It’s like I hit this breaking point where I was so desperate to be closer in His presence, that I just hit this moment of breaking down and said ‘God, I want you more than I want the answers.’ And it took me a long time to get there and it was a fight. And if I’m really honest with all of you today, that is still something I do everyday. Everyday I still say, ‘God, I want you more than I want the answers’. Even though I don’t understand, He and I may have some long conversations when I get to heaven, but right now I cannot have any offense in my heart. I cannot afford to carry anything in my heart that would stand in between me and His presence. I had to make that sacrifice, to lay it down and to put it aside and to say ‘God, my hunger for you far outweighs my hunger for understanding, or for the answers, or to have it all perfectly clear in my head.’”